Finding My Voice

Humans talk a lot. It’s part of who we are (even the quiet ones, who often talk through raised eyebrows and side-eye). We tell stories and exchange information. We choose what to believe about the world based on what we’re told, how it’s told to us, who’s doing the telling, and when and where the telling happens. Voices shape the world around us.

I remember being embarrassed by my voice as a teenager. This is mainly because it didn’t deepen until my late teens (late bloomer struggles). It was a sore point in my soul that was easy for other people to poke. It didn’t help that I usually communicate fairly intellectually, so for some people it probably sounded amusing to hear big words and deep thoughts coming from a short, bespectacled boy with a squeaky voice (now that I think of it, I probably acted a bit like Steve Urkel from Family Matters).

Yes, I got taller and my voice eventually deepened. No, my words have not gotten any less intellectual—I literally collect long and fun-sounding words in my notes app (surprise: I’m a nerd!). And I don’t talk that way to impress people, it’s just part of who I am. But at least I now have some confidence in my voice.

The internet has fundamentally changed this planet full of voices. It’s been said that the internet is the great equalizer. Anyone who wants to say something for all the world to hear can do so, even if it’s often down to algorithms and chance and the whims of our billionaire internet overlords to determine what the masses actually hear.

It used to be that everyone had a blog. Now, with the smartphone and consumer media revolution of the last decade or so, it seems like everyone also has a podcast, a YouTube channel, and/or an influencer social media account (though these days, posting online often feels like screaming into the void and hoping it doesn’t shout back “You’re an idiot!” á lá Jim Carrey’s Grinch). Marketing agencies often advertise their ability to “cut through the noise and make your business’ voice stand out from the rest.” Good luck with that, guys.

Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone has an opinion, and the most controversial and high-emotion ones almost always get heard the most, for better or for worse. And when everyone believes their voice deserves to be heard, the world becomes loud. Like heavy metal/screamo concert loud. We wake up every morning and pick up our devices, and instantly massive amps appear out of nowhere and blast us out like Marty McFly at the beginning of Back to the Future. Why do we do that to ourselves when most of those voices aren’t immediately or remotely important?

Unfortunately, in the midst of the loudness of this world, I’m still not the most comfortable with my own voice, written or spoken. I’m one of those people who finds it hard to listen to himself on recordings. There’s some sort of science that tells us that our voices don’t sound to others the way they sound to us—something to do with the vibrations of our vocal cords echoing in our skulls and our own sound waves moving away from us instead of toward us. Fascinating and a little bit weird.

I’m also not super comfortable with my written voice, which is a bit different from my spoken voice. For me the experience of writing is distinct from the experience of speaking aloud or off-the-cuff. I think this is probably true in general. Public speeches don’t necessarily sound like a conversation.

I’ve read a lot and listened to a lot of people speak, so I’ve observed all kinds of voices in searching for my own. In terms of writing, sometimes I wish I sounded casual and funny, because I want to be down-to-earth and approachable, like the next-door neighbor who waves at you while watering his azaleas (the name Fred Rogers also comes to mind). But other times I value how intellectual and serious I naturally tend to sound, like a wannabe philosopher or an armchair theologian (try as I may, though, I doubt I will ever sound like C.S. Lewis—of course, I’m also not British).

This is part of the point of this website. You, dear reader, get to bear witness as I work to find my voice, testing out different things and trying to discover how I can best tell my own stories and (hopefully) be heard and valued over time. Lucky you.

But if I truly want to be a successful communicator and storyteller, I have a lot of work to do. Here’s hoping I also have some fun along the way.

Thanks for reading my ramblings!