The Chill and the Inner Child
One of the first things I noticed when I got back from vacation a little over a week ago was that it’s starting to get cold again, especially in the mornings. Autumn is finally here. The beach was warm and sunny, but as I drove home, I saw more and more trees changing color.
I’m a warm-weather guy. Give me a clear, sunny, 70-degree day with a light breeze, and I’ll put on shorts and a t-shirt and lay out in the sun. Once the weather starts to drop beneath 60 degrees, however, I start putting on more layers and wishing I didn’t have to.
Most people I know who love the cold weather say something like, “Well, you can’t take off all your clothes when it’s hot! At least you can put on more when it’s cold!” As logical as that sounds, I don’t enjoy having to layer up. I enjoy feeling the sun on my skin and no extra bulk on my body. Some people say I don’t like the cold because I’m skinny and have “no meat on my bones.”
Whatever. I am who I am, and that’s a skinny guy who likes his Vitamin D and doesn’t like to be cold. Not like my brother, who has a similar but slightly broader build than me and somehow walks around in shorts in 40-degree weather.
For a long time, I dreaded the fall because it’s the season that leads into winter. Sure, the leaves are pretty. Sure, putting on a sweater or flannel is cozy. But winter. Winter means having to deal with the chill.
I don’t just mean the cold. I mean a feeling of gloom. Long shadows. The circle of life trending toward death before renewal can come once again. I’m someone who feels those types of things on a metaphorical and spiritual level. It reminds me of hardship and a longing for something that is waving goodbye—like an orange leaf fluttering down as it lets go of its tree and succumbs to gravity.
I’ve never liked winter all that much. Everything feels dead and lifeless. The sun gets up late and leaves early, and my light-loving soul doesn’t appreciate that. The trees are barren, the grass is brown, and the wind bites—often, even through all the layers I’m wearing (sometimes four or five at a time). I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings because it’s dark and will stay dark until the sun is good and ready to get out of bed. And even when the sun rises, it doesn’t warm the earth; it tries to, but it can’t.
(Side note: I will say, it was amazing of God to design the Earth in such a way that all it takes for seasons and temperatures to change is that the planet tilts part of itself slightly away from or towards the sun. We truly live on a miraculous planet.)
The only things I like about winter are snow and Christmastime.
Snow makes the world look entirely different than any other time during the year, and it reflects light during a time that everything feels dim. It also muffles sound and brings many things to a standstill.
And Christmas…well, it’s Christmas! One of my favorite holidays of the year tucked into my least favorite season. I find it amusing that C.S. Lewis’ depiction of Narnia’s misery during The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is that it’s “always winter, but never Christmas!”
But back to the fall, which heralds winter. The chill whispers in my ear that these months are on their way and the warmth and light are going away, away, away…
It kind of makes me feel like a child who’s watching a good friend move to a different state or city. While the friend was present, things felt normal and good. But when distance stretches the relationship like a rubber band that you can’t be sure won’t break, the tension brings sorrow.
And cold weather makes me tense like a rubber band, because I don’t like to shiver.
By the grace of God, however, He has been helping me appreciate the autumn season just a little bit more in the past couple years. Mainly because I wanted to stop feeling down about the season, and the only ways I know of to do that are to pray and figure out a way to find hope and joy in the midst of the chill.
The truth is, it may be chilly now during the fall, but it’s still not that bad (and I kind of like flannel shirts). My inner child doesn’t have to be sad quite yet. And if I focus on that, I can actually see the beauty in the changing of seasons. The red and orange and yellow in the trees is, in the words of Westley from The Princess Bride, “quite lovely.” I don’t much care for Halloween, but Thanksgiving is coming, which always gives me a reason to rejoice.
I know there are some out there who love fall and winter. I genuinely hope you enjoy it.
But for those of you who, like me, find it difficult to appreciate the oncoming cold months, I encourage you to do everything you can to find light in the darkness and warmth in the coldness. That might mean drinking a cup of tea or hot chocolate, burying yourself in a blanket, or having an invigorating conversation with a loved one. Chin up, friend! The chill won’t last forever.